Then comes the feeling of how I'm going to live in a different environment. The feeling of not knowing what to do or how to go about things. Adapting to something different and would it be more beneficial. The thought of how everything that is dependent on a certain location and the hassle of switching everything over to a new one. Throwing everything into chaos. I suppose one way of finding out would be to throw myself out there without thinking about it. But then comes all of the material objects that have accumulated over the years and have become burdens. I tried it once, attempting to move everything into my camper and go off on my own. I could not do it because of how everything was currently. The nervous breakdown, the overpowering negativity of my family affairs, it was pretty much an attempt to run away from home. I also had too much stuff. As I became overwhelmed with it all, The nervous breakdown hit bottom, and I was helpless and everything went to a halt and I couldn't do anything else.
There are goals that need to be set. One being to downsize my material possessions. Another would be to figure out how to live and go about things that would help with venturing out into the mad world. Another would be to get rid of the debt and other ball and chain companies that force a monthly payment excluding the more important things like a phone and auto insurance.
After selling my last car, breaking free from that burden, I believed that I was so close to being free. Then I see that there are still a few things holding me back. One being that my family depends on my rent payments because they wouldn't be able to afford living in this house with all of the debt they have. If my brother and I moved away, they would have to as well and sell the house. Another thing that holds me back is the confusion of switching information to a different place. Also finding a different place and a different job to afford it. Perhaps becoming dependent on a roommate to help with the rent and what would happen if they weren't able to one month. So much complication in these lifestyles. I am seeking a very functional and simple minimalist lifestyle, free of worry and doubt. free of burdening things. Will I be able to find that anywhere? Will I find anyone with the same thoughts? This summer, I will attempt to live in my camper. after I work on it to be more secure of the outside world and others looking to steal. Shouldn't be too much work. Minimizing my inventory and putting the stuff I use occasionally in a cheap secure storage space, keeping the things I use frequently with me in the camper. Using that money I spent on rent and put it into maintaining the camper so it runs and functions very well.
Even though I know that it's a choice and I can change it if I put focus into it, my mind tends to shut down when things get complicated and after all these years, I've come to realize that having this type of mind, I would do better in a more simple environment but, where would that be exactly? One thing that must be searched for.
